A Letter to my Doctor

A Letter to my Doctor

Six weeks ago today my beautiful daughter was born.  You and I together had planned a beautiful family centered cesarean to bring her into this world as peacefully as possible with more family present than I could have ever hoped for.  It was such a joyous day.  You knew how much a natural birth was important to me, so when you told me that wouldn’t be safe for me, I knew you knew best, and listened without question.  I trusted you fully with my life.  You held my hand and spoke sweet words to me during the spinal, which as we both know is the most difficult part.  You made sure everything was perfect and just as we had planned.  You were strong, skilled, compassionate and kind.  You were everything I needed when I needed it most.  I know all of your patients felt that way, and you had a way of making us all feel like we were your most important patient ever.  

So now my baby is six weeks old, and I think back on the memory of her birth fondly, like I do with my other babies.  You were there each time on the most important and special days of our lives.  I am so thankful that you were able to be there each time, and make each birth special for me.

Today is bittersweet.  While I hold my baby in my arms, I should be only thinking about how beautiful life is, and how blessed we are.  Instead each thought is laced with grief and death.   I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of you, trying to figure out why…  I cry when I’m doing the dishes, or driving, or folding laundry…  I am just so sad, and I can’t believe you are gone…

I think of your children, your three beautiful boys, and I pray that God grants them peace.  I think of your family, the pain they must be feeling.  And I think of your patients left behind, who I know feel lost and alone in their care without you.  You were so important to so many people…  I don’t understand why things like this have to happen, why you had to die, and I know I probably never will…  But we will miss you.  

When my daughter was born six weeks ago today, and you and I were laughing and talking about life, I never in a million years thought I would be sitting here in the dark this morning, mourning your death.  Life is so fragile and precious, and I will forever be grateful for your love and care, and the experiences you have given to me. 

Missing you always…

Kristina